What’s your greatest fear…and no, I don’t mean spiders…

I’ve had an interesting past few months.

As many of you know if you read any of my blogs or know me—I’m big into believing things happen for a reason, and not only that, but that our thoughts and actions can affect our futures.  So, back in August, I remember driving (don’t remember to where), but I was listening to The Secret.  It was the part where Bob Proctor says if you hold an image of someone you haven’t talked to in an long time, that someone is going to start talking to you about that person, or they will contact you.  Simple law of attraction.

Okay, I believe that the law of attraction works for things both large and small, but his words really started me thinking about people from my past who I’d like to hear from, see again.  I’ll have to admit that my first thought was of my grandfather, who died when I was a Junior in college.  I really miss him and I know he would’ve loved getting to meet my son and see what I’ve done with my life.  But I knew Bob Proctor had meant those still among the living for this exercise.  The next person who came to mind was my first boyfriend, Phillip.  There’s a long story there that you can find in the archives of this loop if you care to read it, but lots of fond memories there.  Next was Becky, a friend from high school who was our band drum major, and then came Rob, a roommate and best friend of my ex-husband from college.  Rob and I had always gotten along well and I missed talking to him over the years.

The Secret moved on and I arrived wherever it was I was going, and basically I forgot about that little episode.

But then, slowly, old friends, old boyfriends and a few people who have had a very profound effect on my life both in the past and currently have resurfaced and contacted me—not to mention each and every person I’d thought about and mentioned above.  Even my grandfather made an appearance in several vivid dreams lately.  Needless to say, it was not only nostalgic to talk to them and see a few of them, but also a little disconcerting how in a few cases, it felt like we’d never been apart and the bond was as strong or stronger now between us than it had been all those years ago.  No matter that we had all grown and changed over the years—our internal consciousness immediately recognized each other.

Exciting proof that the law of attraction exists and that thoughts have power?  Absolutely.  But don’t forget, I also believe everything happens for a reason, so what was the reason here?

I was on a long walk the other morning with a nice cool breeze ruffling my hair, enjoying the nice mid-seventies Arizona weather and letting my mind wander because something was niggling just at the back of my mind.  You know, those times where you feel like there’s something important you’re missing that’s just out of your reach?  (Or maybe that’s just me…lol)  Anyway, it suddenly hit me—and I stopped dead still in the middle of the sidewalk when it did.

Each of those people I listed above and who had contacted me to reconnect—they all had a vision or perception of me that was very different from my own.  They all remembered me as fearless, strong, decisive, someone who fixes her mind on a goal and has total belief that it will happen.  Someone who was driven, but liked to stop to smell the roses along the way, someone who liked to think she was a realist, but who was really an undying optimist and who liked to think all good things were possible.  Someone who was kind to others, but didn’t let their opinions stop her from achieving everything she wanted.

I remember being that girl a long time ago.  The one who didn’t let fear stop her from doing anything.  The one who had unwavering faith that she could make her life anything she wanted.  The one who assumed that anyone in her path was there to help her make life wonderful in some way.  But I’d lost her under years of life’s hard knocks and years of compromises for what at the time felt like the reality of each situation.  But that girl was still in here, inside me—I can still feel her bristling to get out, to show me what it’s like to believe in myself that much again.

Talk about disconcerting.  After all, I’m 40 now and not 14, but if I really believe in all I think I do, all things are possible, right?

What came next with a little help from Jack Canfield’s book, The Success Principles, and some more long conversations with those people above as well as those who are currently in my life, was me taking a good hard look at what had changed, and deciding how I want my life to be moving forward.

Still with me? 🙂  Good, because this is where I get to the part about fear.

I realized that I had let fear keep me from achieving things that I wanted.

Fear of rejection, fear of hurting someone, fear of what other people would think of me, fear of failure, fear of looking foolish, fear of….so many things.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve accomplished a lot in my life and I worked my butt off to get where I am.  I’ve made some very hard decisions which caused me to push through my fear to accomplish them anyway.  I wrote and published a book at thirty-two when a lot of people told me it either couldn’t be done or it would take decades, I ended a marriage that no longer made either of us happy and took a chance on making a new life for myself and my son, I started a company (Sapphire Blue Publishing) with a business partner in my late thirties which is going to be an industry leader (see my optimism and persistence peeking through!), and many others.  But even with those decisions, I can see where I would be farther along now if fear hadn’t held me back at certain junctures.

So, I’ve decided that my new biggest fear is looking back on my life and seeing regrets of things I didn’t do or didn’t accomplish because fear held me back.

With that in mind, I’ve written my 2009 goals and affirmations and read them twice a day, and keep them in my mind.  But not only that, I’ve begun stepping out of my comfort zone and putting action behind them.

A few examples?  I’ve been unhappy with my weight for several years, and have made attempts here and there to change it, but it never lasted.  I haven’t felt attractive or even remotely comfortable in my own skin.  I allowed fear of success to hold me back (long story on that one).  Anyway, I’ve begun walking several times a week and actually eating right.  I’ve walked 20 miles so far this month and have lost 17 pounds since October.  I look better, I feel better and I’m starting to feel like “me” again.

For my writing, I was letting fear of what people would think of me if I was more persistent or tried to take more control stop me.  Not to mention fear of how people would see a writer who was also a publisher.  Oh, I was still getting published, and my books were doing well, but I knew there was more possible if I would’ve pushed for it.  So, I’ve started taking more of an active role, and one of those friends I mentioned above may be able to point me in the right direction for getting my book turned into a screenplay and in front of the right people.  And even if he can’t—the fact that that was one of my goals I read aloud twice a day and then he showed up proves to me I’m on the right track.

Another big thing I’ve compromised on over the years is that, as someone recently put it, “I don’t speak my own truth” often enough.  I worry about what others will think, how they will react to what I really think and feel.  So I don’t lie, instead, I just don’t say anything at all.  I bury it, and I can even feel my throat tighten up and my temples throb each time I do this—a sure sign my body is trying to tell me that’s not a good thing.  This is going to be my toughest challenge, but I’ve already begun to chip away at this one.  It will take time, and no one can help me with this.  But I’m going to be persistent.

There are dozens of other examples, but you get the idea.

I think it’s going to be an interesting process as I grow through this new reality and this new way of looking at things, and I hope all those who know me and love me will be patient while I work things through.  After all, in some cases, I’ve been letting this fear rule me for a couple of decades.

But I’m curious.  I can’t be the only one who has struggled with this.

What are your greatest fears?  What are you afraid of that you have let stop you from doing something or having something you want?


7 responses to “What’s your greatest fear…and no, I don’t mean spiders…

  1. Sometimes I think my greatest fears are my greatest hopes. Maybe that’s why I end up sabotaging myself so often!

    By the way, Sapphire Blue Publishing WILL be an industry leader. It’s a little scary, but one of my goals is to help you get there 😉


  2. Woo Hoo, Lisa 🙂

    We’ll take all the support and help we can get!

    What’s good for the authors is also good for Sapphire Blue 🙂


  3. I can’t believe you brought up The Secret! I have been living under a cloud since December 1st when my younger sister died. Since then my grandmother died, my wallet was stolen, my brother-in-law landed in intensive care, his best friend died in the emergemcy room (the fried brought him to the hospital), my sister-in-law had a heart attack and broke her arm, and a close friend of my mother’s died all in 38 days. So I sat down to watch The Secret because I need to get out from under this cloud.

    All these events just reinforced for me that there is no time like the present. We can’t wait around for success because our time here is so short. I was also afraid of being pushy, but it’s time to take control. I know what you mean, Tina. I thought I was in control and driven, but I did let the fear of making a bad impression slow me down. I would research agents until I was absolutley sure they were the one for me. I won’t stop researching them, but I don’t need to spend months doing so. I started getting a bit more pro-active and have two requests for partials since January 1st.

    Tina, you are already a huge success. I am sure that only more success awaits you!


  4. Great post, Tina.
    Sounds like you and I have gone through a similar journey lately. (Must be a Tina thing.) I, too, have been contacted by friends from the past since June. They also reminded me of who I once was. My first boyfriend hasn’t contacted me, like yours, but it would be nice if he did. He was probably the best guy I ever dated and I hope life has been good to him.

    I also struggle with not completely revealing who I am, and not always saying things I should. Probably because I was too wild in college and I’ve been trying to live it down all of these years. I’m getting more of my spark back though and I, too, am shedding those unwanted pounds. Only in my case I kept them on to keep unwanted men away while I raised my daughter. If you met the men I attracted back then you would understand.

    I, too, believe in the law of attraction and know my future will be much better because I finally understand where those negative thoughts came from. I found my own truth and it will guide my future.

    Good luck on your journey.
    And for what it’s worth I have always seen you as a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. Your fear doesn’t show.

    Tina LaVon


  5. Alexis. Wow girl. I knew some of what you’d gone through lately, but not all of that. You’re one strong lady to come out the other side of all of that with some positive ways to change your life! I’m glad you’re being more proactive – that’s a great message for both of us.

    Tina. You’re right – it must be in the name 🙂 And that’s funny – that’s the same thing a lot of people have told me, that the fear doesn’t show. I wish I didn’t have to see it either…lol! 🙂 But I guess that’s not how it works. Here’s to the Tina’s of the world finding their true selves and success in all things in 2009! (And all the other names out there, too) 🙂


  6. Alexis, may your cup run over with love and happiness.
    I love The Secret! I’ve had it on CD for a while now but only just saw the DVD today. I’m totally inspired anew.

    Tina, people from my past have shown up too. Oddly enough, my first boyfriend (previously mentioned in another comment) is engaged to a Russian woman who has agreed to be a source for a book I’ve been dying to write.
    Manna from Heaven!


  7. See, there’s something to these first boyfriends showing up 🙂 They’re coming out of the woodwork…lol.


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